A Walking Paradox

Often I hear those closest to me as well as clients make statements like, “you must always be so calm” “you probably never lose your temper” “your kids are probably so emotionally regulated because of your reaction”….. Embodying the “part” of a therapist comes with this notion that you never deter off the path that you carefully help your most vulnerable and traumatized clients navigate each day because “how would a therapist ever yell, have a nervous breakdown, people please, shame themself or someone else or act in a way that compromised their beliefs/values…?” I am here to live up to this reverse hype. I have experienced all of these things, and then some in my life and those that personify the idea that therapists DO NOT display these paradoxical behaviors is out of touch or lying to themselves. The cracks in ones “being” emerge often without warning or understanding. A reaction to something that feels blown out of proportion or over-the-top often is tied to a belief one has or a “trigger” that has gone unresolved or processed. A disturbing event, loss, argument, injustice, illness or confrontation can blow up in your face, hijack your nervous system and send your on a ride through the caverns of your emotions all in one swoop. I. have. been. there…..more than you know. Proceed with caution if “advice” is shoved at you to take in how to “handle” these moments. A therapist’s job is to lead you to your own answers. Lived experience, cracks and all, is the bread and butter of therapy. It’s not the cliche’ walk a mile in your shoes to know song and dance, but maybe some glimmers of that story make their way in. Of course, training, evidence-based modalities and empathy/understanding serve as necessities for ethical practice, but what about the component of therapists recognizing and understanding their own short-comings, faults and not-so-therapist-like moments in life as a bridge (maybe a semi-broken, unstable, high-up drawbridge) to their clients. Therapists should know the art of not projecting this onto their clients but using it as the wood planks to build a strong bridge both the client and therapist can stand on. Allowing a therapist to hold the mirror up without taking it personally gives a client curiosity without judgement. Now that I’ve “released” all of that, I should note that therapists that openly relay on AI strike me as paradoxical in a way that negates the authenticity and humanness we strive to embody all along….but that’s for another blog. ~ Erin

The grief overlay

Bearing witness to loss, of any kind, creates a shift in all one has ever known to be true and real. Fleeting memories, questionings, longings and urges all enter at their own risk, causing daily rupture in functioning. A more gentle word I like to refer to for this phenomenon is an overlay. An overlay alters the base of anything, be it decorative or in this case to protect something. The grief overlay which alters all of life after loss, attaches itself, or can I say “leeches” onto everything we experience, causing a pendulation (back and forth) of moving toward traumatic memories then back to the present.

Peter Levine, the orignator of Somatic Experiencing, used this term to describe this rhythmic movement between trauma (contraction) and relief (expansion).

The goal in navigating this grief overlay, in therapy, is to learn how to find equilibrium between the two….this is the innate rhythm of healing. You move between a resourced state and distressing event. Guiding though this, you find something that brings you peace then back to the distressing feeling or memory. During EMDR therapy, this is done through bilateral stimulation (BLS) to enhance your mind’s attention to each.

The benefits of this can help regulate your nervous system, integrate the traumatic memory into your narrative without re-traumatization and supporting the healing response.

If this sounds like something that would allow you peace and ease, reach out to connect:-) - Erin

Transformation in times of emergency.

I often long for the simplistic awareness of being a child….Anticipating the next game, place you’ll visit, imaginary world you create with your siblings. Life was always in real time, authentic, wonder-filled and bursting with curiosity. Often when a child enters my office for therapy, their motherboard of wonder, ease and trust in themselves has been taken offline. Sometimes it is due to a stuckness or attachment to a belief that creates discomfort and fear. Other times, an event or transition thwarts their system into overdrive….Where they don’t even recognize the world around them anymore because it is so scary and unpredictable. I often picture an “underworld” or “dark place” they’ve crossed into and are struggling to find their way back. Contrary to popular belief, children DO have the keys back to the door they walked through when everything became dark. Sometimes, they just need someone to help them find the keys, often with a night light or cozy blanket in tow to get back to their safe place. I base my direction often with children on where they need to go first before their systems are ready to get “back online”. This normally is through play. Play is a portal to the avatar of our children. Their inner landscapes, etched out through their imaginary worlds. Transformation can occur in subtle ways or all at once… the importance of noticing….noticing…..noticing… what toys do they choose each time? What role do I play each session to them? What do they go back to every time? Under the outbursts, anxieties, nightmares and fears, something to them is the “monster”. the questions is, are they ready to face it and what do they need to do so?